Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 72 hours, you’d know that the only thing straight people are talking about this week is the mass nude photo leak that affected Jennifer Lawrence, Kirsten Dunst, and over 100 other female actresses you’ve never heard of.
According to reports, the anonymous hacker obtained hundreds of explicit photos of “famous” people by exploiting a security hole in Apple’s iCloud (surprise!) and pulling their nudes from the infamous “cloud.”
Unfortunately, NOT ONE of the affected celebrity nude pics were male. What’s up with that? Of all the Zac Efrons, Taylor Lautners and Tom Daleys in the world, this hacker chose to spend his time looking for photos of someone named Jessica Brown-Findlay? Terrible. Where are all the gay hackers at?
So today, we mourn the loss of all the male celebrity nude pics that could have been by revisiting some of our favourite nude photo leaks from the past:
Your weekend boyfriend Davey Wavey has some nudes buried deep in the Internet, and even embraced them in a YouTube video about self-acceptance once they started making the rounds on Twitter again this year. “I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed,” he said, “because I’ve always thought our bodies are far more beautiful than what we cover them up with.”
The gays rejoiced earlier this year when Marine-turned-underwear-model Alex Minsky dropped trou in some private photos that were later leaked on Twitter. The photos apparently came courtesy of MySpace celebrity “ForBiddeN” and will forever be regarded as the eighth World Wonder.
Before he played flip-flop with the NFL, future Dallas Cowboy Michael Sam was rumored to be sending nudes to some lucky Grindr users in his college town, Mizzou, Missouri. The photos were never confirmed to be Sam, but you know what they say — silence speaks volumes.
Dustin Lance Black
Dustin Lance Black’s nudes were introduced to the world via sex tape, which he claims was released by a former disgruntled lover hellbent on ending the Oscar-winning screenwriter’s career. He’s had nearly all traces of the tape removed from the Internet, but in a stunning display of the Haynes Effect (like the Streisand Effect, but for gay sex tapes), has managed to keep it on our minds by talking about it publicly once every few years since.
This year, DLB was disinvited from a college speaking opportunity after the administration learned of the tape. “I did nothing wrong and I refuse to be shamed for this any longer,” he said.
Big Brother Canada contestant Kenny Brain managed to keep his gayness a secret in the house for several weeks, but keeping his impressive package a secret proved to be far more difficult. His private bathroom selfies leaked while he was on the show, which means he probably had a line of thirsty men waiting for him on eviction night.
Super ally and potential future gay man Josh Hutcherson found himself in a nude photo leakbetween the release of his first and second Hunger Games films. The person who allegedly released his private photos also claimed to have access to a super-hot X-rated video that was never released. Hoax or hush money?
Cheyenne Jackson’s intimate sex tape was most likely filmed for an ex-boyfriend, but was enjoyed by millions once Fleshbot got their hands on it late last year. The video was more or less silently confirmed to be authentic several times by Jackson himself, who alluded to learning from the leak inan interview earlier this year.
Although the tape was released right around the same time he ditched his ex-husband Monte Lapka for a young California twink, both parties allege that the tape did not come from Lapka.
Former Disney sweetheart Dylan Sprouse was caught up in a nudie scandal late last year, when some of his private bathroom selfies started making the rounds on Twitter. In true Millennial fashion, he quickly acknowledged the photos and moved on: “I messed up… but I’d be a fool not to own up to it,” he said.
During the most recent mass photo leak, he condemned the invasion of privacy again on Twitter: “How about this for a change: Exactly none of these celebrities are ‘sluts/whores/bad role models’ for having private photos of them stolen.”
Last month, WeHo Confidential caught Andrew Christian model Pablo Hernandez on the popular DIY smut show site Cam4. We know there’s nothing too interesting or unique about an Andrew Christian model doing gay porn (don’t they all?), but it’s nice to keep a running tab of when these things happen.
The photos aren’t so much of a leak as a discovery — you can check them out in all their desperate glory over here (nsfw).
Boy-bander Calum Hood is the most recent heartthrob to let his dick slip out on social media. Last week, the 18-year-old 5 Seconds of Summer bassist sent a racy Snapchat to a female fan who then recorded it to the delight of Tumblr gays everywhere. He hopped on Twitter later that day to claim the dick as his own: “Least ya know what it looks like now,” he said.
Whose your favourite of the Celebrity Nude Pics? Vote!
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