Music Guyd: Should One Direction Go Home?

Connor Sobolik
Authored by
Connor Sobolik

November 12, 2012
9:33 p.m.

If you’ve noticed a recent spike in prepubescent hormones or you’ve heard the shrieks of adolescent girls still waiting for the first visit from Aunt Flow, then you’re witnessing the impact of One Direction’s much-anticipated album release.

If you haven’t heard of One Direction, you’re one of the lucky ones. After gaining overwhelming support on The X-factor the boys released their first album, Up All Night.

The band of bushy-haired, built-bodied boys pleased the once Beliebers with wit-free lyrics, auto-tuned melodies, and Twinky charm. Though few would tell you the band of merry men are talented, original, or even audible, they are cute and a little catchy. Their upbeat trivialities were not going to change the world, but it made excellent fodder for 14-year-old girls with access to their parents’ credit cards.

Their new album, Take Me Home, has all the same flaws with none of the former charm. While each of them did manage to reinvent their physical appearance, they demonstrate the same musical abilities as Brooke Holgan or Kevin Federline. The thing that aggravates me the most is knowing that, not only are they going to sell a billion copies, but children are going to grow up thinking this is good music. I am left wondering if they are even proud of their new album, or just excited about the revenue.

None of these boys know their way around a tune. Furthermore, their voices are not only inexperienced, but poorly paired. The producer’s solution is to dunk them in a heavy coat of spray tan and auto-tune until we can no longer tell the difference – or care. The result is an ambiguous puddle of mashed voices and mixed vocals. It wouldn’t surprise me if none of them were present in the recording process.

Their most recent single, “Little Things,” is intended to show a more down to earth acoustic version of the handsome quartet. Unfortunately, the only redeeming quality of this ditty is that the lyrics attempt to touch their adolescent audience on a deeper level. The goal is achieved, but (surprise!) they had no hand in the writing process. They have been accredited as “co-writers” on a few of the songs you never heard of, but their singles seem to have come from thin air. 

Ultimately, if you want to watch a handful of playful Twinks bounce around in bow ties and bright smiles, either play their videos on silent or just watch Bel Ami porn. 

If you disagree with me there is a comment section below, and I would love to hear what you thought of this year’s worst album, Take Me Home.


Anonymous User
Ryan (Guest)
9 years, 6 months ago

I don’t even…Yeah, it’s judgemental. Moreover, your words show your absolute incompetence on the topic and your lack of factual knowledge on the band. I am not going to argue with you on the topic of 1D’s vocal abilities because, to me, that’s up to the way you wanna hear it. Not sure if you’ve actually taken a look at the boys’ bodies, but they’re not “build-bodied”. Why is this even in the gay categories? When has any of the guys said they’re gay? You make an interesting claim up there, “They have been accredited as “co-writers” on a few of the songs you never heard of, but their singles seem to have come from thin air.” The guys have taken part in the writing of many of the songs in the album and just because none of those songs have been released as singles yet does not mean they’re not good or anything of the sort. Of course, whether they’re good is up to the individual taste, yet…how is this even a relevant claim? Oh, and Niall plays guitar on quite a bit of the songs on the second album.
When were they spray-taned? This is not Jersey Shore.
“puddle of mashed voices and mixed vocals” – in all of their songs it’s only the chorus that is sung by all of them. What does this phrase even mean?
One thing critics never look into is the way the artists actually act. As an extemely critical person, I can say that even though many of the band’s decisions so far have been dictated by their management, the guys have managed to stay true to themselves in their behavior and theis second album is a sign of major improvement as they have had a huge say in how things are organized and the tracks are much more to their own taste.
As a final comment I’d like to say that it’s in no way right to assume a negative stance towards an artist just because the media is booming about them in a ridiculous way.

Anonymous User
bradj (Guest)
9 years, 5 months ago

i do love 1D !!