Holy Crap Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Got Married

Guest Guyd
Authored by
Guest Guyd
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August 29, 2014
6:00 a.m.

Story Courtesy Of Callie Beusman

Here is a tweet from the AP about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s wedding:

Screen shot 2014-08-28 at 8.58.21 AM

It contains the sum of our knowledge about the wedding. Across the world, tabloids and concerned citizens are howling with hopeless futility. (But it’s okay, if you think about it, because we don’t even have a way of knowing 100% that our existence isn’t a mere dream being dreamt by a butterfly.)

I will be offering fresh and breathless updates as more information leaks — or, more likely, hemorrhages — throughout the day. In the meantime, here’s a fanfiction composed of things I read in tabloids about their wedding plans: The theme of the wedding was “paintball.” The catering cost $1 million. A tasteful amount of attendees were dressed as characters from Monsters, Inc. You will not even BELIEVE how many flowers there were.

UPDATE: ABC says the ceremony took place in Chateau Miraval; the wedding was reportedly small and only included family and friends. All the kids did a thing: “Maddox and Pax actually walked Jolie down the aisle, while Zahara and Vivienne threw rose petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers.” No word on whether the theme was, in fact, paintball.

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