Since it’s Mother’s Day I thought I’d go straight to the source: Mom. Here, my very hip, very young, and very cool mother answers burning questions about the state of the world. Listen up and don’t slouch. You might just learn something from someone who’s a tad more experienced than the rest of us.
I haven’t the slightest idea, except they’re jealous of her. She’s beautiful, she’s talented, she’s young, she’s married with a couple of children. There are a lot of people without partners, without children. They should be happy for her. She’s got everything. I’m jealous.
And what about Anne Hathaway?
I haven’t seen much of her work, so I can’t say much of her talent. I saw her on the Academy Awards and thought it was wrong; they made a bad choice. But she seems to be very pretty, and she’s very successful. Once again, it seems like people are jealous. And who knows if she’s happy…
Any advice for Reese Witherspoon?
Stay out of the liquor, especially when you’re in the car. And get a life. This is a woman who supposedly has everything. She’s obviously not smart, and she’s behaving like a little snot.
Channing Tatum said that he would “date” George Clooney. Thoughts?
Who’s the sexiest guy in Hollywood?
I think Charlie Sheen is really cute. He’s very funny and I like his humor. I know I’m in trouble for that… Oh, Tommy Lee Jones. He’s very sexy, and he’s very smart. I’d date him, without a doubt.
Madonna wore a punk-rock-inspired outfit to the Met this week, and was chastised for not acting her age. What do you think?
Good for her. It was a costume ball and she dressed appropriately. It’s not street-wear, but I’d have worn the same thing if I could pull it off. Who knows, maybe she’ll lend it to me.
She’s gorgeous, she’s got a gorgeous figure. At fifty-four she could look horrible. She could look like an old hag. She gets a gold star. I think it’s good for younger women to see older women in a different light, not washing dishes. It’s good to have someone to emulate, who’s proud of their body and who’s talented. In other words, You don’t have to be old when you’re fifty-four.
Tom Cruise, gay or straight?
What’s your favorite thing about Mother’s Day?
I never much look forward to it, but people are always very nice to me. I like to use it to do things I want to do but normally don’t have time for. But it was a great Mother’s Day today.
There you have it, folks. From My Mom to Your Ear. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to call Jones’s publicist. I’m guessing he’d make a better step dad than Sheen.
Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you,